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Mar. 1st, 2020 11:12 pmJust doom and effin' gloom, yo.
No joking around, no trying to be clever, srsly.
Some tiny, still-glowing kernel inside me feels that I should be documenting..this..something..Like it's the last days, for real-for real; for me, at least. So dramatic. Too dramatic, really, for this actual, gradual, long-slow-draining-of-everything I'm sinking in, and have been, for some time. Nothing has any colour, any flavour - nothing really gets me excited, anymore. Just getting the fuck out of bed is a notion filled with ever-simmering-in-the-background, ever-complex possibly-imaginary pitfalls and on EVERY level, my anxiety is off the charts, and has begun to affect my health.
*~*~*
Got tickets to an upcoming, 'The Musical Box' show - March 20th -- and hope that large public gatherings will still be allowed, then. And still cannot believe that that is even a consideration, but I FOREWENT (is that a word?) KRAFTWERK TIX FOR JULY. KRAFTWERK. BECAUSE....WELL...By July, who KNOWS where we will be? Dropped a bit of a wad on the tickets, but was glad I was able and SO GLAD to support this group - they're amazing, and I'm so glad that someone still values this absolutely beautiful art and *that very magical time* when peter gabriel helmed Genesis. Bless him, he just turned 70. ♥
Ha. It just occurred to me that pg-Genesis is maybe the polar opposite of Kraftwerk. Interesting.
But I listened to, 'Stagnation' by pg-Genesis and it made me cry, it was so beautiful - liEk, my soul ACHED from starvation, for it. It had been too long.
And a shout-out to my brother, Rob, for whom I am grateful every day. He's so fucking cool and doesn't even really know it, and is MOST underrated. I wouldn't even have KNOWN about the M Box show, if not for him - and he is liEk, the perfect live-performance partner. And, quite frankly, my Ride Or Die - and prolly the ONE person I can actually count on. For so many things. He was totally down for Kraftwerk, but...well...we'll see.
*~*~*
Scary but not shocking - the coronavirus cases out at the Kirkland, WA nursing home - guess who owns them?
Guess who I work for?
IF I still have a job for calling off, last night, that is.
Tomorrow is going to be HORRIBLE. Not just the daily horror of being the only aide on a wing of almost forty. That's been the new normal for some time. Not the ever-looming weight of unfairly-skewed-against-night-shift management always looking over your shoulder and snapping at your heels - remember those mean, petty girls in high school? That's what I work for, now.
But my nurse friend, S - who left months ago to deal with leukemia - is coming in to clean out her locker. She really thought she was coming back to work, but..no. Brain tumour, now. Speechless. Do not know if I can handle seeing her. Honestly. I tried to call her several times and she got back to me once, but the third time I called, her phone message had been changed by her husband and she never got back to me and I just figured that that didn't bode well and that she sure didn't need me bugging her. So, TREMENDOUS guilt for not trying HARDER. IDk, what could I do? Barge? Later on, I could have...SHOULD have. Idk, I'm just babbling, at this point, here, but I really feel terrible. And my GOD, I feel like I'm going to be saying goodbye, tomorrow. I can't stand it.
The fact is, I've seen so Goddamned much agony and death, that I PULL BACK, now, when I know it's coming. Trying to shield myself, when it's not ABOUT me. I hate it, but cannot NOT do it. So much regret, but I'm sadly, only human and maybe less than-, now. Ever since Norm L.'s death, really. He was squeezing my hand so tightly, his nails dug into his skin and then, his head just basically exploded. Blood filling the 02 mask, out his eyes, his ears..and I will never forget the look in his eyes.
And I know I've said this dozens..prolly hundreds..of times, over the past almost twenty years, but what am I going to do if I lose my job?
Working for them is horrible. Not working for them is horrible.
D'ya know they count the isolation gowns and masks, now, too? And that I have to actually number the cups I give out to residents for drinks? I've noticed a GLARING reduction in ppe supplies, and gee, doesn't that just make you feel safe? I've put on gloves and my hands have gone right through them..I've heard nurses say in jest that we probably all have MRSA and C-Diff, anyway, from working there.
I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I *will* get this virus - and yes, I am compromised, already- and that I prolly won't make it. Good times.
*~*~*
For the love of all that's left, get out and vote.
*~*~*
Interesting and horrible-but-good? that the pollution has been so reduced over China that you can actually see it. It's the earth, shrugging us off in self-defense.
No joking around, no trying to be clever, srsly.
Some tiny, still-glowing kernel inside me feels that I should be documenting..this..something..Like it's the last days, for real-for real; for me, at least. So dramatic. Too dramatic, really, for this actual, gradual, long-slow-draining-of-everything I'm sinking in, and have been, for some time. Nothing has any colour, any flavour - nothing really gets me excited, anymore. Just getting the fuck out of bed is a notion filled with ever-simmering-in-the-background, ever-complex possibly-imaginary pitfalls and on EVERY level, my anxiety is off the charts, and has begun to affect my health.
*~*~*
Got tickets to an upcoming, 'The Musical Box' show - March 20th -- and hope that large public gatherings will still be allowed, then. And still cannot believe that that is even a consideration, but I FOREWENT (is that a word?) KRAFTWERK TIX FOR JULY. KRAFTWERK. BECAUSE....WELL...By July, who KNOWS where we will be? Dropped a bit of a wad on the tickets, but was glad I was able and SO GLAD to support this group - they're amazing, and I'm so glad that someone still values this absolutely beautiful art and *that very magical time* when peter gabriel helmed Genesis. Bless him, he just turned 70. ♥
Ha. It just occurred to me that pg-Genesis is maybe the polar opposite of Kraftwerk. Interesting.
But I listened to, 'Stagnation' by pg-Genesis and it made me cry, it was so beautiful - liEk, my soul ACHED from starvation, for it. It had been too long.
And a shout-out to my brother, Rob, for whom I am grateful every day. He's so fucking cool and doesn't even really know it, and is MOST underrated. I wouldn't even have KNOWN about the M Box show, if not for him - and he is liEk, the perfect live-performance partner. And, quite frankly, my Ride Or Die - and prolly the ONE person I can actually count on. For so many things. He was totally down for Kraftwerk, but...well...we'll see.
*~*~*
Scary but not shocking - the coronavirus cases out at the Kirkland, WA nursing home - guess who owns them?
Guess who I work for?
IF I still have a job for calling off, last night, that is.
Tomorrow is going to be HORRIBLE. Not just the daily horror of being the only aide on a wing of almost forty. That's been the new normal for some time. Not the ever-looming weight of unfairly-skewed-against-night-shift management always looking over your shoulder and snapping at your heels - remember those mean, petty girls in high school? That's what I work for, now.
But my nurse friend, S - who left months ago to deal with leukemia - is coming in to clean out her locker. She really thought she was coming back to work, but..no. Brain tumour, now. Speechless. Do not know if I can handle seeing her. Honestly. I tried to call her several times and she got back to me once, but the third time I called, her phone message had been changed by her husband and she never got back to me and I just figured that that didn't bode well and that she sure didn't need me bugging her. So, TREMENDOUS guilt for not trying HARDER. IDk, what could I do? Barge? Later on, I could have...SHOULD have. Idk, I'm just babbling, at this point, here, but I really feel terrible. And my GOD, I feel like I'm going to be saying goodbye, tomorrow. I can't stand it.
The fact is, I've seen so Goddamned much agony and death, that I PULL BACK, now, when I know it's coming. Trying to shield myself, when it's not ABOUT me. I hate it, but cannot NOT do it. So much regret, but I'm sadly, only human and maybe less than-, now. Ever since Norm L.'s death, really. He was squeezing my hand so tightly, his nails dug into his skin and then, his head just basically exploded. Blood filling the 02 mask, out his eyes, his ears..and I will never forget the look in his eyes.
And I know I've said this dozens..prolly hundreds..of times, over the past almost twenty years, but what am I going to do if I lose my job?
Working for them is horrible. Not working for them is horrible.
D'ya know they count the isolation gowns and masks, now, too? And that I have to actually number the cups I give out to residents for drinks? I've noticed a GLARING reduction in ppe supplies, and gee, doesn't that just make you feel safe? I've put on gloves and my hands have gone right through them..I've heard nurses say in jest that we probably all have MRSA and C-Diff, anyway, from working there.
I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I *will* get this virus - and yes, I am compromised, already- and that I prolly won't make it. Good times.
*~*~*
For the love of all that's left, get out and vote.
*~*~*
Interesting and horrible-but-good? that the pollution has been so reduced over China that you can actually see it. It's the earth, shrugging us off in self-defense.
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