correctiveshoes621 | Nothing at ALL to do with logic or reality, but..

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY? GOD, WHY?????????????

IT MAKES NO SENSE. NONE, WHATSOEVER. BUT IT STILL IS. IT IS.

I hate being such a fuckin' wet end; I do, really. BUT I CAN'T fuckin' HELP IT. I've tried. I can't HELP how I feel - LIKE BEING KICKED IN THE STOMACH - TORN INTO TINY, SHREDDED PIECES - CRUSHED (like a grape or some other fragile, overripe fruit) BY THE WEIGHT OF MY OWN FAUXLIFE LONELINESS - EACH AND EVERY TIME I SEE/THINK ABOUT IT. IT MAKES NO SENSE. GAH.

It's not FAIR. It's so SCREAMINGLY lame, and yet..It hurts. It's so disturbingly SURREAL, and yet..

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

~~MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE.~~

(as if)

GOD! WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY???????????????

*curls up in fetal position with a stuffed tiger and cries*

PSA: This message brought to you by O, the Irony.

Current Mood: a bit melodramatic

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

indiwise.livejournal.com

*applause*

Very good. I guess you told me, huh? : )

I am trying to send you positive vibes re: this morning's interview festivities, but we can discuss this at length later, if you like. The reasons I felt it could not be brought up in any sort of sane manner - and panicked; and it WAS panic/that dream/lack of sleep that precipitated this - are really, a) you never seem to realize this sort of thing matters, because it's supposed to be all fun and games, and I should know that my toys should be shared - they're just toys, after all, right?, b) YES, I know..it *shouldn't* matter; at least as much as it does, and *should* be just fun and games, even though I am a mental/emotional cripple who is wholly UNABLE to share said toys, c) you always always fall back into dismissive socialworkerspeak and there's NO discussing it, at all, d) if it's brought up at all, it becomes another 'Oh, Indi's crazy' thing, e) apparently, it *IS* an 'Indi's crazy' thing because it DOES, in fact, matter. 'Round and 'round it goes. The snake eats its tail and I am in the middle of the imaginary coil of 'logic', so to speak - and I use the word, 'logic' very loosely, here.

And, no; you can ask Nat if we sit around talking about you when you're not here, if you like. You know better than that; come on. Her answers here, are based, really, on her knowledge of 'SWC' - BUT I will not lie and say it has never been brought up. By ME. NOT her. And that was ONLY because I was in an utter confused bind and felt I could not bring it up to you in any reasonable, non-pissing-you-off manner - and she was quite patient with it all, God bless her - As in the context of -"I know it shouldn't matter. What should I say/do? Should I say/do anything? Or just let it go and ride it out? Why does this keep happening? Is it a test? And WHY DO I EVEN CARE ABOUT SOMETHING SO SILLY AND IMAGINARY, IT'S SO STUPID AND INSANE?" And frankly, underlying it all?

"WTF is wrong with me, that it DOES matter? Why don't I have a REAL LIFE, WITH REAL PEOPLE IN IT?"

Not all of us have what you have to fall back on, liebe schoen, and I can only really speak for myself, here - but this makes me realize jussssst how huge a gaping hole I honestly have in both my life and myself. How self-serving and poisonously medicinal it's all become - *especially* the writing, which - on the surface, at least - HAS always helped me to sort stuff out. That, at least, was NEVER just "fun and games and whee! let's fuck", to me. It was always a tool - but now? Not sure wtf it is, now.

How many times (above) did I have to state that it makes no sense? I mean, it doesn't...

From:

vorkosigan.livejournal.com

You mean... there are real people out there? o.O

All my friends are make-believe. They always have been. The difference is that I found someone that does the same thing. :P

... which reminds me, whenever you're ready, I did post over at Manse. (yes, I know, I'm such a big help)

From:

indiwise.livejournal.com

I saw it, but a) had my head up someone's ass way to far to deal with anything but them, at the time, b) have no idea how to interact/respond.

From:

vorkosigan.livejournal.com

no worries, then. i'll respond with myself. ;)

From:

gayalithiel.livejournal.com

c) you always always fall back into dismissive socialworkerspeak and there's NO discussing it, at all

This made me laugh in spite of myself, because 'dismissive socialworkerspeak' should be an oxymoron. If I'm being dismissive, I'm not being a good social worker. Sorry if I do that.

d) if it's brought up at all, it becomes another 'Oh, Indi's crazy' thing

That must be YOUR perception, because I certainly never declare something is an 'Oh, Indi's crazy' thing.

The fact that I had no idea what you were talking about here certainly supports your theory that I never seem to realize this sort of thing matters. I actually thought I was playing within the boundaries and that I understood what was sacred and what was not. I was wrong. It might be best if you could make me a list of things I should never touch under any circumstances, along with a definition of 'touch'. I'm guessing that Simon falls in there somewhere too. And Robert? I'm sorry but I really can't quit Robert.

I am feeling right now that there is a huge disparity between our fantasy worlds and I'm not really sure what sorts of things to try to share with you. Since everything with me is "fun and games and whee! let's fuck", maybe my writing is actually really annoying to you and my comments even moreso. I do use my obsessions in a different way than you do but, for me, it's what I need. It may look totally frivilous on the outside but it does serve a purpose (making an often boring reality tolerable).

So I really don't know what the parameters are right now. If I watch TCR should I never mention it? Should I not talk about Simon's ass? I really have no idea and, for the moment, that leaves me with very little common ground to cover. If what I like is frivilous and what you like is sacred, what do we talk about? This is not an attempt at a guilt trip~ I really don't know the answer to that question. I would seriously do better if you set those parameters in a concrete way for me. I'm like a pony in a new pasture of electric fence- if you don't put little flags on all the wire, I'm gonna run into it and hurt myself. And you.

That analogy just amused me. And the kid is harrassing me to get over to the pony, so I must end this and talk with ya later.

From:

indiwise.livejournal.com

Brilliant use of iconage, btw. Touche'.

a) Since everything with me is "fun and games and whee! let's fuck" - never said that to mean you, in particular - it's what it's SUPPOSED to be, and obviously I miss the point utterly. Always have.

b) If what I like is frivilous and what you like is sacred - never said THAT, either; maybe I *envy* both your lightheartedness and your grasp on reality. Again, always have. You 'interact' in a fun, healthy, creative way - I search for heroes/saviours/keys/selves. And that is really really really sick and sad and wrong. I always think that I am fixing something, when, really, I am just breaking what's broken worse - and probably, in truth, at this age - beyond repair. I'm sorry, and it gets OLD. For me, too; believe me.

c) my writing is actually really annoying to you and my comments even moreso. - absolutely never said that. I love what you write.

d) Do what you want. Watch what you want. Say what you want. With whomever you want. I'm not the boss of you, nor do I want to be.

e) FWIW, approximately 68% of this post was trying to be tongue-in-cheek-overdramatic - but wow. I guess I really did feel that way, at the time. It still makes no sense to me - but shows that I have a lot of thinking to do, to say the least.

..and it's okay, really. We had our Third Strike re: Cure, and I guess that's what I really initially set out to do, when all is said and done. I'll wholly understand. And that's NOT a 'black or white' thing - just issuing an 'out' for ya.

Peace :)