correctiveshoes621 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
correctiveshoes621) wrote2005-11-26 04:10 pm
correctiveshoes621) wrote2005-11-26 04:10 pm
(no subject)
Chaos reigns.
Migraine. Such pain.
All these years, hitting me, all at once. RIGHT when I am vulnerable. Oh, how I hate being vulnerable. Years and years and years of hopes and dreams and pain and plans and pride and loneliness and tears and rage and frustration and fear and love; yeah, sometimes love..a LOT of times, love..being reduced to a pile of boxes and bags.
So shabby, so pitiful, it all looks, now.
I tried so hard. I did. I swear, I swear, I swear. I did everything humanly possible to keep things together as long as I could and it STILL just wasn't enough. Sacrificing myself wasn't even enough. We were so fucking young.
I know I'm sick. I know I'm exhausted, and have been for a long time, now. But I really kinda feel like this is what a nervous breakdown feels like.
I WORKED SO HARD TO BUILD THIS FUCKING WALL. To be hard and cold and mean and mercenary and just KILL all the weak, pantywaist feelings that had held me back..that held me HERE, for so long. And it chooses NOW to crumble? GREAT.
With each tear, the pain in my head lessens. That tells me something, now. I can't stop crying, though. This shit is INSANE.
I stood at the kitchen window and just bawled. Wondering how many times I had looked out that same window and just ached, wishing for a better life, a better way, for us all. How many times, I wonder. All those lost wishes. All those lost years.
And look how it's ending. Look how we are, where we are. Jess is all moved out, as of today.
DJ called work and made a big scene, trying to help..trying to call me off, and now they gave me off until MONDAY. And I have to have an excuse or they will send me home. They said so.
I canNOT lose my job. I just can't. I'm so scared.
Migraine. Such pain.
All these years, hitting me, all at once. RIGHT when I am vulnerable. Oh, how I hate being vulnerable. Years and years and years of hopes and dreams and pain and plans and pride and loneliness and tears and rage and frustration and fear and love; yeah, sometimes love..a LOT of times, love..being reduced to a pile of boxes and bags.
So shabby, so pitiful, it all looks, now.
I tried so hard. I did. I swear, I swear, I swear. I did everything humanly possible to keep things together as long as I could and it STILL just wasn't enough. Sacrificing myself wasn't even enough. We were so fucking young.
I know I'm sick. I know I'm exhausted, and have been for a long time, now. But I really kinda feel like this is what a nervous breakdown feels like.
I WORKED SO HARD TO BUILD THIS FUCKING WALL. To be hard and cold and mean and mercenary and just KILL all the weak, pantywaist feelings that had held me back..that held me HERE, for so long. And it chooses NOW to crumble? GREAT.
With each tear, the pain in my head lessens. That tells me something, now. I can't stop crying, though. This shit is INSANE.
I stood at the kitchen window and just bawled. Wondering how many times I had looked out that same window and just ached, wishing for a better life, a better way, for us all. How many times, I wonder. All those lost wishes. All those lost years.
And look how it's ending. Look how we are, where we are. Jess is all moved out, as of today.
DJ called work and made a big scene, trying to help..trying to call me off, and now they gave me off until MONDAY. And I have to have an excuse or they will send me home. They said so.
I canNOT lose my job. I just can't. I'm so scared.