correctiveshoes621: (Make It Stop)
T e r r i b l e dreams. Very not like me.

I did the best I knew how in a shocking, terrible situation, and it was STILL, 'too little, too late', and this is proof that it haunts me, still.
correctiveshoes621: (drink up dreamers)
Blah, blah, blah - restless as hell, these days. I suppose that's to be expected, given that this is the month of my upcoming Birthday of Horror, but, damn, I'm feelin' that it's time for a change. I just don't know how to go about it, sans all-important things that seem to be in ever-dwindling supply.

Free time? What's that? When I do have free time - I waste it, it seems. Doing chores...reading...watching media...and, of course, on this box.

Sleep? What's that? I actually feel guilty when I can sleep.

The upside/downside of this age thing is that I suffer fools less. At work, with family, with friends - more and more, I'm letting folks know EXACTLY what I think. SO people seem to think that I'm, 'snapping/snappish' - and, most likely, a total bitch.
I've lived my entire life for other people, it seems - and I'm kinda over it..though, I'm sure they'd all say the utter opposite. Of course, they would. Lose/Lose.

I'm tired of the poverty thing.
I'm tired of cats.
I'm tired of being responsible.
I'm tired of the abuse/scapegoat-ism at work.
I'm tired of being in pain/exhausted, all. the. fucking. time.
Wapakoneta is being pushed further and further from my grasp, and that realization actually made me cry, the other night. Bloody hormones.

Dan would have been forty-nine, today.

Easily my favorite version of this song. SUCH happiness, therein - with extended joyfully-singing little Volkswagens, at the end (starting around 06:31) - which, somehow..oddly...ALWAYS make me teary-eyed, for some reason:

correctiveshoes621: (I'm sorry Dave)
On a treadmill of Schei├če, lately. The cold, hard, ACTUAL has replaced all the dreams, all the magic.

So I woke up, looking backwards, tonight. Back to when things were good. Back to sitting on a log with my husband, with baby DJ on my lap, and Jess, sitting between her father and me - next to his dad's pond, waiting for the nightly symphony. The sky, still lit up as it slides towards dusk, reflected in the calm water, like a one by one, the many frogs start their chorus - a peep or two, here, a basso profondo, there..rising, all around us. One by one, we find and point out with glee the wee turtle heads that pop up, randomly, as the pond is full of them - like little Tootsie Pops, they appear, encircled by the ripples they cause - "There's one! There's another one!" - swimming in the reflection of the sky.

It makes me ache to know that they're gone - all those turtles, all those frogs, the pond, itself - filled in by 'progress'. Both fathers - also gone - and the babies, grown; and it feels like the dusk is mine.
correctiveshoes621: (*ache)
"And then, 'Bare', by the Cure, came on my iPod."

I really am still recovering from the past almost thirty fucking years. I can pretend that it never happened - better, still? Pretend that I had no hand in it. Go on seeking numb..Go on, seeking redemption; sure. Just go on doing whatever you gotta fucking DO to go on, just DO it; just GO ON and shut UP about it, already. I'm sorry; just so fucking sorry - but I will NEVER forget ANY of it, and that's probably what will kill me, eventually. Yep. Still a bit of a gaping wound about it; yeah. Still so fucking monumentally messed up. LiEk, to my very core. It was, what? Three years ago, on the third.

Shock. Surprise.

How fucking dare you take The Cure from me, too?!? You bastard.

All this was brought to you by the innocent query by a long-former, barely-known classmate who looked at my profile and noted that I'd checked, 'Widowed', as my 'relationship status'.

Poor guy.

I've been sitting here, for two hours, putting off answering him, because I FUCKING CAN'T. I ACTUALLY CAN'T. He's a really nice person and I don't want to do this to him, so I'm doing it HERE. Lucky you. ♥
correctiveshoes621: (*ache)
Random Lyrics. Please to ignore. Read more... )
correctiveshoes621: (deadliner)
Ha. I called off work, tonight.
Haven't done THAT since August 7th, so they can bite my shiny metal ass.

Reason One, being the Migraine and Cramps of Doom and Disgustingness, and yes, I already took something and it did not work, and just want to lay around in a tight little ball, in bed, and not vomit...Reason Two? So I can hopefully write some more nonsense, if I can manage it through Reason One.....Not holding my breath for Reason Two, but the will is there.

Now, if I happen to get hypnotized watch a few Gary Numan videos, well, it's for, 'medicinal purposes', okay?

Okay, I know it looks blank; yes..but this song..It's new, and GOD DAMN, he knows what he's talking about:

Read more... )
correctiveshoes621: (Watch The Wire)
When I'm at my lowest ebb, just flat-out scraping the bottom and ready to take the boat out, peter gabriel somehow just swoops down and lifts me up - no wisecracks, re: swooping, Certain Someones Who Read -

It sounds corny, but I am SO damned grateful for this man, his music and his magic. Part of my heart will always beat for only him ♥

So, listen, sunshine..

How it goes AKA This Is The Picture:

Read more... )
correctiveshoes621: (Situation Normal)
Yes. I know. The new Cure remaster came out, today. No. I don't have it, yet.

Today, Dan would have been forty-six.
correctiveshoes621: (cabbage)
Doris Howland. Rest in peace, sweetheart. Dan's Aunt Peg's cousin, in Mass - I hope that they were all there to greet her, when she arrived. I don't have the number, up there, and can't get her obituary to open - guess I have to call Dan's sister, tomorrow. Dreading it, but oh, I loved little Aunt Dot. Damn.

Woke to an empty house. SO not like DJ, not to leave a note. I wonder if he tried to wake me up and I just slept thru it and forget.

Meh, world. Meh.
correctiveshoes621: (sensing that storm)
God. Sometimes, it still comes up and bites me.


Get a handle, move along, rest in peace - all of us. Got a long night, ahead; no time for this.
correctiveshoes621: (BRITANNIA RULES)

All these years, I had no idea that Gary Numan had chest hair, nor that he wore such excruciatingly tight pants. Just finished almost an entire HOUR of rampant stiff-necked-but-dancing android lounge-lizardism with simply terrible 'special effects'. Good stuff.

[ profile] ffarff - Who IS that guy?!? He's amazing. I had to watch that TWICE.

Genesis with young peter gabriel at Shepperton Studios, 1973 is, perhaps, one of the greatest cinematic achievements of all time.

Doods. Britannia. In full regalia. Never thought I'd ever see it. Ever. Leaves me breathless.

correctiveshoes621: (sensing that storm)
Ahhh, dammit.

Just waiting for the call, telling me it's finished, now.
correctiveshoes621: (perfectly ripe)

*worries about Simon*


The Armadillo Dip Recipe was A PRANK, FOLKS. THEY TOTALLY PUNK'D ME. Those brats. I'm actually disappointed, but can imagine them all cracking up - LOL!

Got DJ at the airport, and boy, was he glad to be home. He had a blast but reckons he's, 'One of those people. When I'm home, I wish I was somewhere else..but when I'm somewhere else, I wish I was home.'


He claims that his Uncle Richard is QUITE the bluesman. Singing, playing - I think that was the best part of the trip for him. OH. And he got thrown off his horse - and no one told me (they aint stupid, folks) - it seems that he kept leaning forward to tell the horse to slow down, but was actually telling it TO GO FASTER. Whoops.


Unwound to, 'Keys to Ascension' - Live Classic YES, on VHS, yet. Had a goodly workout to, 'All Good People', etc - and went a little too berserk. Damn, I'm old. It looked AMAZING on the Giant Plasma TV Thing. You can't imagine.

Then, on to - The Big Guns - POV, the live peter gabriel. Oh, my heart. I cannot wait to get Pete to make a dvd copy of it for JoAnne, the aunt he was just staying with. Courtesy of [ profile] kittylugnut, DJ made her copies of, 'So', 'Us', and 'Up' - and he said she had a 'CD of The Day' and played one of each of them ALL DAY LONG, OVER AND OVER. That's my girl. :) She'd totally surprised me when I'd said, 'Mercy STREET' (sort of as a curseword, actually) and she'd paused in shock and said, 'OMG. GOOD. SONG.' - and THAT, after all these years, was when I found out that she loves pg, too.
correctiveshoes621: (Samwise the Brave)
Decompression. Whoot.

[ profile] marrissabelle? My son is in Texas until tomorrow and is having a BLAST. Absolutely loves it, and can't wait for me to see it because, 'It's so beautiful.' :)

So far, he's: a) ridden/fed/groomed/mucked after the horses; riding the one named, 'Red Man' all over the place, up and down the road at the ranch, b) assisted his uncle in shoeing a couple horses, c) enjoyed your wide open spaces by taking the amp and electric guitar out onto the porch with said uncle and Teh Man and having a total guitar jam, d) taken the boat out, fishing with his uncle, e) eaten armadillo. Yes, I said, 'armadillo'. His aunt is sending me the recipe, though I doubt we can find it in the freezer section, here. :)

I miss him terribly, but know he needed this. It's awesome for him, and who knows where it may lead? I am picking him up in Harrisburg, tomorrow - and he'd better not be wearing a ten-gallon hat!


My best nurse friend, the inimitable Miss Marilyn, retired - and thank God, I came back to work when I did, as last night was her last night.

This morning, she pulled me aside - and bestowed her watch on me. Same one she's used since the 80s. The colour pink is involved, but I will wear it with pride.

She will be missed beyond words; I've learned so much from her, and she honestly believes in me. We're having a surprise party for her, coming up - and you better believe that this is not Goodbye. <3
correctiveshoes621: (Hurts)
It's done. At least, it's out of my hands, now. They are in Charlotte, NC, as I write this. Austin by five-thirty, tonight. DJ's flying home this Saturday - and GOD, I am so proud of that kid.

It's a huge relief, and yet so, so sad, at the same time. Sad, that this is how it ends, after all this time. What a waste of a life. Knowing that I'll most likely never see that fuckin' putz him, again. The airport obviously has a sick sense of humour, because their muzak was all songs dealing with either, 'Hello' or, 'Goodbye' or somesuch - but freakin', 'Tears in Heaven' by Clapton came on and the way he looked at me. Christ.

So, I'm gonna cry for a little while and am not entirely sure why - just that I need to. :)
correctiveshoes621: (Situation Normal)
Patience is a virtue. I keep telling myself that.

It would seem that - despite reality-based thinking, despite the opinions of the masses, at large - I've been doing the right thing. My heart tells me this, if not my head (which screams, OMG!NO!R U CRAZY?!?, at various intervals) - all the while knowing that it really is The Only Thing.

As of now, a) I am on Emergency Family Leave. I know, I know; but I will be paid for it, thank God, b) I may be flying to North Carolina, at the very least, to get Teh Man on that interim plane to Texas; the hows and whys, I am leaving up to God, c) not even sure he CAN get on a plane, at that time; I may have to bring. him. here. (I know, I know) until Jo can arrive and take him with HER - it will be safer that way for him medically, and, hopefully, he will be clearer of mind (he's been hallucinating, etc), d) the hospital will NOT keep him past Monday, and that is all that seems for certain, right now.

We are all meeting up soon at the house to get clothing for him, and for Frank, and then, going shopping for whatever he needs, and THEN, to dinner. Yahoo. Gotta put the past behind me and be polite and relaxed and confident and somewhat personable - har har har. This should be good, folks.

This icon is OH, so apt, at this moment. :)
correctiveshoes621: (Situation Normal)

Had to stay offline all night, last night, as the hospital was pushing to release Teh Man right onto the streets, and I had to wait for a call. It boggles the mind that they would even consider turning him out.

With no money or clothes.
With nowhere to go.
I know.

What he DOES have is massive confusion and raging bowel issues. Couldn't believe this whole scene. I imagined him roaming the streets in naught but a diaper. Right, then. Have another drink, folks, as this is what it could lead you to.

'The Bad Sister' was supposed to arrive last night around ten-ish, but called several times to update me on this situation, and to make sure that I did NOT go over there or call, as they would force him onto ME. So, I appreciated that. She and her husband and daughter drove solid from around four in the afternoon until three-thirty am, and finally stopped and got a hotel. They were SUPPOSED to arrive here at around six am, and call me at nine - as she had several appointments and needed the keys to the house, etc. I finally got hold of her at eleven-thirty.

It seems she admitted to, 'freaking out and flailing her arms around' and gave herself a black eye..Okey dokey. She is dealing with her father's situation, and the Texas Sister is dealing with Dan. And then, THIS came up. A real mess.

Now, they are getting a quick flight out for him to Texas - there are no direct flights, mind you; only ones that stop for two hours in North Carolina - and want someone to fly with him, as he's too confused to find his way. My sister had said that she'd do 'anything' to help him, but starts a job on Monday..after being unemployed for six months. SO. NOW, they are looking at DJ to fly with him. This does not sit well with me, but someone has to do it.

I know.

You can't make this shit up, folks. I swear.
correctiveshoes621: (Coiled)
Hooray. Going to get my taxes done, tonight. Pretty scared about this because, a) I got a PA-V form in the mail, and that usually indicates you will end up owing, and, b) the 'house' Teh Man stuck me with caused them to take my stimulus payment, last year, so they're definitely after me, c) it's me, for God's sake, and you all know how that usually goes, right?

The Bad Sister ™ arrives sometime tomorrow night, with her brood - and wants to do dinner and God knows whatever and it's going to be REALLY hard to bite my tongue, after all these years. I don't know quite how to get out of that, as they'll be here 'til Monday, but I will say that I've NEVER been so glad to be stuck working a weekend in my life. I'm off on Easter Sunday, but am going to my mother's and NO, I didn't invite them along. I will drop off that Godforsaken key and the wallet and phone book and Frank's jewelry box and try to be done with it as politely as I am able, but am sick already in my stomach about it all. I have nothing to wear, but if we go to dinner on a night I work, I can wear my scrubs. Sad, I know. It's gonna be torture, having to make a faux-smiling fuss over their cheerleading future-barracuda daughter.

'Your words are POISON.' - Eowyn, wasn't it?

She's got Teh Man thinking he's gonna 'work from home', so he wants the computer back. Somehow, I knew something like that would happen; so, it was never hooked up. Thank God.

And yes, he's back from The Dead ™ AGAIN. And now, looking forward to rehab in Atlanta and a liver transplant list. I know.

Took some damned online stresstest from [ profile] drowsyfantasy - and it "predicts major illness due to stress within two years", so there's always that to look forward to. O, the irony. Wonder if they'll all rally 'round to save MY sorry ass. Somehow I doubt it, LOL.

A bright note or two: Stephen Colbert was knighted last night, apparently, by Queen Noor - using a replica of Aragorn's sword. O, the squee. And, on the tenth, I think - a building will be named in his father's posthumous honor at the University Hospital at which he was dean. How awesome. :)
correctiveshoes621: (Chucklefest)
Ha. I guess I'm finally getting 'over the hump' with all this bullshit, here, lately.

The abrupt locking of the house let me know that my 'usefulness' to the harpy contingent was over. I was just emailed 'the bad sister's' itinerary for next weekend and THANK GOD, I work for most of it. NOW, they're not 'liquidating' the house until at LEAST 'the summer months' - and part of me sincerely and queasily hopes that all this rain we've received has caused irreparable damage to the property.

What can I do, really? Sue for back child support? Make a distasteful scene? Demand she make good on her promises? Pfft. Lies from a rich, brittle blonde snake's lips are still LIES, no matter HOW you fluffily sugar them up...and have always been. And since Teh Man has risen again, like some addled, jaundiced phoenix? LET HER HANDLE HIM, TOO. I did what I considered to be The Right Thing In An Emergency Situation, but am now DONE.

I really DO know better and could care less, to be honest; and am all for letting them handle it and have whatever they can salvage. I'll make my own way, as it should be. It's just sad, how it's all ended. Aunt Peg would have a thing or two to say about it, I expect.

Oh, and she's even renigged on the kitten for DJ - SHOCKING, I KNOW - so, it's a good thing I was smart enough not to mention it to him. With all the craziness around here, lately, I am thinking of getting a dog, anyway.

I will be SO glad when it's all over and done with.


And am also glad that last night was uneventful. It was raining and the wind was blowing like mad, all night; so, I imagine that kept the creeps away. I've not yet gone out to check my car, though.


Off again, tonight. Will probably watch the rest of, 'The Two Towers' on the Gigantic Plasma TeeVee Thing, as the harpies will probably say that Teh Man was, 'too out of it to realize what he was saying', when he told us to take it. Likewise with the computer. It can sit, for all I care. DJ wants to set it up for me, but I don't want to be seen as a thief/vulture, even though Teh Man insisted.



correctiveshoes621: (Default)

July 2017

910111213 1415
1617 1819 202122


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 23rd, 2017 02:30 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios